Monday, June 27, 2016

Plans and changing

I've always been one that plans ahead, plans for the future. I hate scrambling last minute if it can be avoided, as I find it to be rather anxiety inducing. However, nothing in life every stays the same. Things change and bumps happen.
I had plans with my ex-boyfriend for this summer and for a few years down the road. Having a plan helped me figure out what I needed to do now to help that plan happen. Those plans are obviously not going to happen so my plans for future have shifted. And if things change again, those plans with shift again. I plan for the future, but I also change those plans based on the current situation.

For example, being currently single, I am looking at traveling for mini-vacations. I doubt I will get to any this year but I think next year is a distinct possibility (though Mammoth Caves may still be doable this year depending.... I hope so!). I want to travel to Chicago, Ashville, Niagara Falls. I want to visit new renfaires. I want to add new experiences to my life. If I become no longer single, then my plans will change. It's the nature of life for me.

Having future plans gives me something to look forward to, something to work for and save up for. It makes me feel.....adult.


Tuesday, June 21, 2016

A month of healing

Yesterday marked a month since Thespian broke up with me. For the last month, I have been lacking in motivation to be productive. During the week, it was pretty much work, then home and knitting. Weekends were for renfaire. I've also been sleeping on the couch for the last month, using the TV noise to turn off my brain so I could sleep.
Attending renfaire has not been easy because I see him there, but I also got to see a lot of my amazing friends. I will not allow any breakup to take faire away from me. And for the moments the loss of him got overwhelming, I was able to hide away somewhere until I could compose myself. It's the downside of being a rennie and dating a rennie.
Over the last week or so, the depression had been abating. My appetite has been slowly returning and I am eating regular meals again. When depression hits, my appetite is nill and even the thought of food makes me nauseous. It always takes me awhile to get back to regular eating after that.
Yesterday, I decided that a month was enough. I did not allow myself to sit on the couch and knit all night. Instead, I went and cleaned my room, sorted laundry, organized my yarn stash, etc. I stayed busy. And then, I slept in my own bed, not on the couch.
No, I am not suddenly better. It does still hurt. I do still love him. But I am continuing with my life. I had a month to grieve. Now it is time to live.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Recovering and Relationships

A little over a week ago, Thespian broke up with me. I was shocked as I did not see it coming until that day. I thought things were going well, albeit it was a stressful time in our lives. Sadly, he felt differently.  I don't hate him, quite the opposite actually. I wish things had gone differently. I wish we were still together.
I don't want to sit here and rehash and review and analyze it. I've done plenty of that this last week. Instead, I am going to focus on the things this relationship had shown me.
I can still love, and love deeply. I didn't expect to fall in love with him like I did, but I fell and I fell hard, I saw a future with him, something else I didn't expect.
I can trust. That was something I worried about after my divorce. Could I ever trust someone again? But I did. I never wondered if he was lying to me. I never doubted that he loved me. When he told me something, I believed it. I'm not sitting here questioning how much of our relationship was a lie. I still have relationship anxiety and am insecure. I know that takes a lot of time and work to ease. But there was no distrust, no questioning what he told me.
I learned more about myself with this relationship. I looked into myself more to discover why things triggered the way they did.
I communicated more. I said what I was feeling, what I needed, and so on. I didn't expect him to read my mind. Either by voice or by written word, I spoke up.

I am still working through this. It is a lot of pain and grief. I admit that I do hope that we could try again as I feel like this relationship still had a lot to give. But that is not my call right now. For now, I grieve and I take care of myself and my son.