Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Samhain

Today is Halloween; a night of kids and adults dressing up, going out, and having fun. ExH has Rit today (his year for Halloween) so I am on my own. Next year I am looking forward to taking him trick-or-treating.

For some of us, this day is something more than a night of costumes and candy.  At dusk tonight, the holiday of Samhain starts and will continue until dawn. For many Pagans (it does depend which branch you follow), this night is one of our two holiest nights of the year. Our other one is Beltane in May. Tonight, the barrier between this plane and the “other world” will open allowing the souls to travel between the two. It’s a night when magick, for lack of a better word, is at its most powerful.

To celebrate, I will light my candles and pray to the creators for their blessing for the year to come. And then I will dress up and join in the costumed fun that is Halloween.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Single Habits

We all have them: things we do when a significant other is not around. The benefit of being single is that I don’t have to worry about making sure “they” aren’t around.

Girly TV – I admit that I enjoy watching shows like America’s Next Top Model, Project Runway, and other shows that my family and ExH would give me the side-eye for watching. I rarely got to watch them at home without a comment, and ExH would usually make a comment as well. Now? I watch whatever I want after Rit has gone to bed.

Meals – I usually eat dinner with my parents 3 days a week. It is just easier to stay there and have dinner when I pick up Rit. But on the other days, my eating can vary. When I get home, I don’t have to worry about who I am cooking for, as long as I like it. Sometimes I cook for Spartan and myself, sometimes just me. And no worries about if he has eaten or not.

Family/friends time – I fully admit I spend a lot more time with family and friends than I did when I was ExH. I can go over and stay however long I want, stay out with friends however long I want without complaint.

Lounging – I don’t have to worry about dressing up for anyone except myself. If I want to wear jeans and a t-shirt, then I do. If I want to wear my worn out comfy nightgown, I can. I don’t feel like I have to look sexy or nice if I don’t want to. The funny thing is, I dress up more now that I am single than I did when I was married. Less pressure to perhaps?

Beauty routines – every girl has their routines that they don’t want the SO to see: Shaving, tweezing, whatever it may be. No SO means no one to hide from while we beautify ourselves.

Music – There was often a “battle of music” when I was with ExH. He would turn on his music so I could not turn on mine. And too bad if I didn’t like it (usually I did, but not always). Now, I can play my music, sing along or dance along to my heart’s content. I especially love being able to play music while I clean.

Hang out in bed – I enjoy being able to just hang out in my bed if I don’t feel like getting up. Play around on my phone, or just snuggle under the covers a little longer. No one else to worry about waking up.

On the other side, there is a lot I miss about having someone else: snuggling with them while watching TV, being able to cook for someone else (Spartan works nights so our schedules rarely line up), hearing “I love you”, the feeling of their arm around me while I sleep…

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Am I broken?

Several months ago I wrote about my bipolar disorder. It still affects me greatly. I recently had an experience that caused me to “flashback” to what happened last year with ExH. In short, I was told that someone has been spreading untruths about me. I cannot seem to get an answer as to whom or what, but hearing that immediately sent me back to the feelings of fear, anxiety, and powerlessness that I experienced last year when I learned of the numerous lies and misconceptions being spread about me then. The anxiety from this experience, feeling so much like my last experience, sent me into a manic episode. I admit that is scares me when it happens. I became scared that I will go through all of it again: the loss of friends, the feeling of need to rebuild my reputation, the feeling of starting over. I fight between wanting to reach out to someone, yet worried that dealing with me will scare them away, and wanting to hide away until the episode is over.
Trusting is an issue for me. I want to be able to trust someone completely, the way I was supposed to trust my husband. Luckily, I have my best friend whom I am able to trust. However, I end up worrying that the people I am trying to trust are lying to me or talking about me behind my back. This is something I continue to work on and have made some progress on.

One thing I have noticed, is I have the constant feeling of "too good to be true". Whenever things start going good for me, I worry that something bad is going to happen. For instance, earlier this year I was feeling good about my finances. I was going to have my credit card paid off by the end of the year. The my mortgage jumped $200 a month starting in September. Or I am feeling really close to a few friends, and then they stop inviting me out on their group stuff. I have a hard time enjoying the moment.

There is a side of me that I am scared of, this side of me. The side that is not perfect, the side I wish I didn't have. I don't want to be bipolar. I want to be able to trust people. I don't like feeling like something bad is right around the corner. I worry that if I show people this side, they will not want to associate with me anymore. So why am I posting it on a blog for all to see? Because then it's not a secret side of me anymore.

The bright side of all of this is that no matter how down I feel, Rit can still bring a smile to my face and I can still smile when I am around him.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Another milestone

Today would have been my 3rd anniversary with ExH. I was worried that I might get depressed or anxious, but really I have no emotion regarding this day. At this point it is just another day in my life, and my Grandpa’s birthday.

I think that this was the last big milestone I was worried about. I made it through the holidays last year fine, the one year mark of our separation without a single tear, and the birthdays without a care.

I wasn’t sure what to expect in terms of my possible reactions, but this wasn’t it. I guess I expected to have more attachment to this day. But in reality, it’s a day that no longer important to me in terms of my marriage. All of the wedding stuff has been boxed up and stored underneath my stairs for almost a year now. Out of sight where I do not have to worry about it, where it will stay until A asks about it and wants to see it.

My last real trigger is songs that meant something to us and that were played at our wedding. I am still working on moving past that, but I know it will take time. One day, I will hear a song that would have made me cry, and not even react to it.

Until then, one day at a time, enjoying myself and my son.